For nearly a decade, my Christian faith was everything to me. I dedicated my life to God and sought His will daily. Then in 2022, I had conversations with other sincere believers who disagreed with me on core doctrines. We both thought the other was deceived.
This hit me hard because I realized I could be deceived and not know it—that's what deception means after all. For the first time, I started questioning my faith seriously. The usual apologetic answers no longer satisfied me, and small doubts grew into bigger ones. I documented this struggle in my journal as the gap between what I'd been taught and what I was experiencing kept widening.
For two years, I prayed desperately for God to show himself and give me clarity. My doubts were destroying my peace and straining my marriage. I begged for understanding, for any sign, for clear instruction on what God wanted me to believe. Instead, I got complete silence.
After two years of unanswered prayers, the simplest explanation became clear: God probably isn't there. So now I'm trying to rebuild my understanding of life based on things I know actually exist—the natural world, reason, and my own experience.
My biggest fear is being misunderstood, dismissed, or accused of not seeking God's will. That is why I am writing this letter. I hate when people respond with thought-terminating clichés like "we can't understand God's ways" or "His ways are higher than ours." These phrases shut down honest conversation and get seekers nowhere closer to truth. If we're serious about finding truth, we need better tools than platitudes. After all, God desires all people to be saved and come to knowledge of the truth (1 Timothy 2:4). And truth should be able to withstand our questions.